the goodbye cat

My mom is a somewhat fierce and decisive creature at times. After years of giving my cat a home when I could not and, I think, a lot of cat-happiness and freedom, mom decided the cat had to go.

And by go, I mean now. And by now, I mean the cat was gone before I had a chance to give her her things - little goodbye cat goodies that I'd purchased for her that I thought would make the transition easier...or at least quell the stomach-knotting guilt I feel about the situation: sad that I've not been able to take her with me and shame that my mother saw my leaving the cat at their house as an abuse of her kindness.

I just don't have words. I rarely got to see the lil thing but she was my friend and roommate when I lived alone in the city. That cat slept on my pillow and always tried to comfort me with her purrs when I was upset. If she were here now perhaps she'd curl up around my head and try and lick my tears. I know it is lame and childish of me knowing that she is going to a good home, but I find myself utterly distraught nonetheless.

I cried when I had to put my cat Byrne to sleep - but at least with him I held him to the end. This goodbye feels like it was stolen from me somehow; I did not even drive her to her new home myself - and wasn't given the option.


My sister has given me the address etc. and I will get the supplies to the new owner soon. I may even get to see Willow one last time. But emotionally I still feel that last car ride should have been mine and I am heartsick. I should have been the one to look her in the eyes and apologize for the abrupt change in lifestyle and had the opportunity to explain on the drive down why I couldn't take her...and tell her how foolish I feel and that I still love her.

So instead I will lay here in the dark and tell it to her and hope she hears it. Love ya Willow. You are a great cat and a most excellent mouser, and if I had my way you would be here with me now hogging my damp pillow. I'm so damn sorry kitty. Please be happy.

Aw hell. Here I go again...